Why Not Have Sex-Part I

Well, life circumstance with 5 kids (2 adopted, special needs kids whom I home school) and a deployed wife kept me from posting, plus I feel I have to get each post just right and be completely structured and systematic about it. I feel like, logically, the back story should come next, but it's too much. I will probably begin sketching it off-line and then post it all at once.

I also feel like I need to go into the coping techniques, but I have decided that for this to work for me I have to post what's most emotionally immediate for me, that which is screaming to get out at any given moment. If I don't do it this way, I won't write at all.

So, what's immediate to me this morning is the question I have been asking myself for 20 years: What, exactly, is the freakin' problem? Why not have sex?

I have decided it has little to do with sex itself, though she does hate the mess and smell. She thinks her smell is disgusting (even though it arouses me), and after I give her oral sex I most often I have to brush my teeth before we can continue, and any pre-cum has to be almost ritualistically removed before she'll put her mouth on me.

And on the rare occasions I get a blow job to completion, after I tell her I'm coming, she jerks her head back and grabs it with just three fingers, using only the tips, and locking her arm so it's at the maximum possible distance. She always stops too soon so she can get it off her, and I have to finish the last couple of strokes myself.

Me? I'll stick my tongue in her behind, and she likes it, but I'll willing to bet that one of the number one complains of all husbands in my situation would be double standards. Her repulsion just makes me feel so loved. I've offered to wear condoms so she doesn't have to deal with the mess, but she says she wouldn't like that. "What exactly would you like", I wonder.

But that's just it. When we're actually doing it, she enjoys it. I have always been attentive to pleasuring her first. She has orgasms, and she's not faking. (Sure, sure, every guy thinks that, right? Contrary to Hollywood it takes a lot more than Meg Ryan moans to make an orgasm. Usually when she orgasms I have either my fingers or penis inside her, and she can't fake the rhythmic contractions, the increased natural lubrication, or the sudden involuntary spasm as she arches her back when she goes over the top.)

So, she likes it when we're in the middle of it, and she knows that and admits that, so why not, like exercise, just do it, or me, as the case may be? If she even wanted to want to have sex, one would think that she'd just start, knowing she'll enjoy it in the end. (Sorry, couldn't resist.)

I have much more wanting to get out of me, but that's all the time I have right now. To be continued...

My Views on Sex

I had planned on just wading in with comments from other blogs, jumping right into the middle of things, but I feel a few preliminaries are in order. Eventually I will probably put this stuff in my "About" section,' but I just want to get some of this down. I could probably sit here and post for a week straight without stopping, but I'm going to have to pace myself.

I believe that any form of sex outside of marriage is wrong, which is, obviously, why involuntary celibacy is so hard for me and others like me. When my wife and I were getting pre-martial counseling the pastor asked why I wanted to marry. Always precise and systematic, I said: "In general I want to marry because I do not have the gift of celibacy. In particular, I want to marry C. because..."

I do not have the gift of celibacy--although God may be beginning to provide it (more on that much later)--but it has been forced upon me. I waited until I was married to have sex (at age 24) and I have not had sex with anyone but my wife in the 20 years we've been married.

Further, I believe that marriage is for one man and one woman for life and should never be "put asunder" except in the case of adultery or abuse or if neither were a Christian at marriage and one becomes a Christian and the non-Christian wants to divorce. These reasons are grounded in Scripture.

Within marriage I believe any form (oral, anal, fetish) of sex is allowed as long as neither spouse finds it objectionable, it involves just the two spouses (this include no pornography which indirectly involves others), it places no one in physical danger, and it does not erode intimacy, which would vary with the couple and need not be elaborated upon.

I also believe that neither spouse should voluntarily deny the other sexual satisfaction and release unless it is to further a period of increased devotion and fellowship with God, and then for a set, pre-determined time. This, of course, does not include illness or separation necessary for the well-being of the family (like work). If, however, work persistently cuts into a couple's intimacy by separating them for long periods or making them too tired or stressed for one another, a new job may be in order. I believe God will provide such a job if the over-worked spouse truly wants to maintain martial intimacy.

As for masturbation, I masturbated like a teenage boy well into my 30s. I do not believe it is in and of itself sinful, but I do believe most practice of it can be, such a viewing pornography or unhealthy fantasy (e.g. fantasy not involving one's spouse) or excessively just for the sensation. However, I have, finally, developed coping techniques that allow me to go months without ejaculation. These probably warrant a future post.

I may add to this later, but I think these are the most important views I have on the subject.

Sex in the Abstract

I tend to go about things very systematically. If I were a theologian, I'd be like Barth. I'd have to build an entire theology from the ground up just to make the simplest assertion. Unfortunately this often keeps me from doing things because I don't feel I have the time, or maybe that's one of my blind spots and is really a cop-out.

If I'm going to honestly and thoroughly explore celibacy within a marriage I need to begin this prologue by explaining why I bother with this particular post: Acknowledging that there are times when celibacy can not be avoided and examining some of the aspects of those particular circumstances is necessary.

An obvious one is when the spouse is away. My wife is in the military and is currently overseas. She has been gone over two months. This is temporary, and most people wouldn't dream of suggesting it should justify an affair or the dissolution of the marriage. I sure wouldn't, but what about permanent incapacity?

Another example of involuntary celibacy is when one spouse is injured or sick in such a way that coitus is impossible, forever. There may be other options, but intercourse will never happen again. As a Christian, I also do not see that as grounds for divorce or an extra-martial sexual relationship.

I think the problem with the kind of involuntary celibacy that I and others are struggling with is that it creates a whole set of resentments and frustrations and deep levels of anger because it doesn't have to be. Still, as a Christian, and one who wants to systematically and correctly apply the Word of God to every area of my life, including sex, I have to begin this blog by placing the involuntary celibacy I have been dealing with squarely in the midst of all types of involuntary celibacy and say that it can never be right to divorce or cheat.

That said, I'm a sinner in other areas, and I am deeply afraid that though it be sin I will not be able to withstand the suffering and will eventually either be a hollow shell or be separated. I would never divorce, but I may end up living alone before it's all done.

The hardest thing is to try and be the person Christ would have me be even when she isn't concerned with the same. I know He would have me love and cherish, be tender and kind, giving and supportive, no matter how she treats me. I just don't think it can be done anymore.

One may have the obligation to "turn the other cheek," but how does one do it the 7th or 77th time without his cheek becoming so hard and numb that he can't feel any more. It's not the forgiving...it's the wading back in knowing it's going to happen again and again and again...

Fear and Trembling

It is with a great deal of trepidation that I begin this blog. For the better part of the day I have been reading through the blogs I stumbled across, mostly Reality and Redemption and Sacrifice My Sexuality. I'm really worried for Digger Jones. I fear he's about to get a divorce, and I fear that starting down this road will lead me to the same place, if I'm not there already.

My whole life I've been taught you don't speak a disparaging word about your spouse in public, but things have gotten so bad after 20 years that I feel if I don't use this outlet I'll be dead in a few years. I'm afraid if I do use this outlet I'll set my heart in stone and solidify what exists as mere possibility at the moment.

Is it possible, as Christian Husband seems to be trying to do, to use this media as a method for self-therapy and reconciliation? I'm worried that what it might really do is make me feel righteously indignant as the bile comes pouring forth.

I could have written much of what both Digger Jones and Christian Husband have written. I sat amazed at how similar so many of the stories were, but I never kept much of a journal because of fear of making my perceptions reality and therefore making progress impossible. I don't see how it will ever change, now, though. One person can only advance a relationship so far...

Hmmm...I catch myself as I type. Is that true? See I fear I am doing it already, shoring up my self-narrative of victim hood. As a Christian (a fairly orthodox, evangelical one), I believe God hates divorce, He is all I really need, I am a fraud, like everyone else, who wants to put himself in the best possible light, and that grace can heal any wound.

So, one person, if he's relying on God and striving to obey is never really alone.

I'll give it a few days or weeks and see. If I feel posting is undermining either my fellowship with God (i.e. is sinful) or potentially damaging to my marriage, I'll delete this blog. For now, I'm going to go through some of the other blogs and link and comment, posting my experiences, sharing my thoughts, trying to heal my wounds.

One thing I won't do is link to blogs by those dealing with involuntary celibacy by having affairs and cultivating on-line romances.