It is with a great deal of trepidation that I begin this blog. For the better part of the day I have been reading through the blogs I stumbled across, mostly Reality and Redemption and Sacrifice My Sexuality. I'm really worried for Digger Jones. I fear he's about to get a divorce, and I fear that starting down this road will lead me to the same place, if I'm not there already.
My whole life I've been taught you don't speak a disparaging word about your spouse in public, but things have gotten so bad after 20 years that I feel if I don't use this outlet I'll be dead in a few years. I'm afraid if I do use this outlet I'll set my heart in stone and solidify what exists as mere possibility at the moment.
Is it possible, as Christian Husband seems to be trying to do, to use this media as a method for self-therapy and reconciliation? I'm worried that what it might really do is make me feel righteously indignant as the bile comes pouring forth.
I could have written much of what both Digger Jones and Christian Husband have written. I sat amazed at how similar so many of the stories were, but I never kept much of a journal because of fear of making my perceptions reality and therefore making progress impossible. I don't see how it will ever change, now, though. One person can only advance a relationship so far...
Hmmm...I catch myself as I type. Is that true? See I fear I am doing it already, shoring up my self-narrative of victim hood. As a Christian (a fairly orthodox, evangelical one), I believe God hates divorce, He is all I really need, I am a fraud, like everyone else, who wants to put himself in the best possible light, and that grace can heal any wound.
So, one person, if he's relying on God and striving to obey is never really alone.
I'll give it a few days or weeks and see. If I feel posting is undermining either my fellowship with God (i.e. is sinful) or potentially damaging to my marriage, I'll delete this blog. For now, I'm going to go through some of the other blogs and link and comment, posting my experiences, sharing my thoughts, trying to heal my wounds.
One thing I won't do is link to blogs by those dealing with involuntary celibacy by having affairs and cultivating on-line romances.
My whole life I've been taught you don't speak a disparaging word about your spouse in public, but things have gotten so bad after 20 years that I feel if I don't use this outlet I'll be dead in a few years. I'm afraid if I do use this outlet I'll set my heart in stone and solidify what exists as mere possibility at the moment.
Is it possible, as Christian Husband seems to be trying to do, to use this media as a method for self-therapy and reconciliation? I'm worried that what it might really do is make me feel righteously indignant as the bile comes pouring forth.
I could have written much of what both Digger Jones and Christian Husband have written. I sat amazed at how similar so many of the stories were, but I never kept much of a journal because of fear of making my perceptions reality and therefore making progress impossible. I don't see how it will ever change, now, though. One person can only advance a relationship so far...
Hmmm...I catch myself as I type. Is that true? See I fear I am doing it already, shoring up my self-narrative of victim hood. As a Christian (a fairly orthodox, evangelical one), I believe God hates divorce, He is all I really need, I am a fraud, like everyone else, who wants to put himself in the best possible light, and that grace can heal any wound.
So, one person, if he's relying on God and striving to obey is never really alone.
I'll give it a few days or weeks and see. If I feel posting is undermining either my fellowship with God (i.e. is sinful) or potentially damaging to my marriage, I'll delete this blog. For now, I'm going to go through some of the other blogs and link and comment, posting my experiences, sharing my thoughts, trying to heal my wounds.
One thing I won't do is link to blogs by those dealing with involuntary celibacy by having affairs and cultivating on-line romances.
2 comments:
It's really hard, I know, to feel trapped in a difficult marriage.
When my husband and I first went to see a local priest we told him that we needed to talk to someone who didn't know us so advice would be unbiased and there wouldn't be a predisposition to take sides. He said, "That's actually not true of me because I will ALWAYS be on the side of marriage."
That was comforting to both of us because we needed someone to tell us that they were rooting for us as a couple and would encourage us to find a way to make it work.
I wish you all the best. I hope the blog is good therapy for you.
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